On Wednesday, my best friend left. He'll be gone for two years. I miss him already. A Lot.
It was that same best friend who always told me that in order to be successful in life, you need to be out of your comfort zone 60% of the time. (Or maybe it was 70 or 80%.) Either way, here I am. I'm breaking out of my comfort zone. Destroying my wall of insecurity and uncertainty. No more getting embarrassed about my feelings and pushing people away. No more being too shy to say what's on my mind or state my opinion. No more pretending. My weaknesses are now on display at the museum of Megan. Admission is free.
Sometimes I lie and say I'm doing great when I'm really not. In reality, I'm having a terrible day. I pretend I'm fantastic. Fake it to make it. No one can be happy all the time.
So the truth is I'm very afraid. I am chicken liver. I'm afraid of growing up and the responsibilities and decisions it brings. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of moving out. And college. And deciding who I am. And what I want to be. And who I want to be. And who I want to marry. I'm afraid of being judged by what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the comments I'll get on this post. I'm afraid of spiders. Ew.
Generally, I'm a very happy and carefree person. My favorite thing to do is to make other people happy. I love reassuring them that everything will be okay. I love dancing like an idiot to make them laugh. It always works.
But right now, I'm sad. Because I miss my friend. He was the one who made me happy, reassured me that everything would be okay, and danced like an idiot to make me laugh when I wasn't feeling up to par. It always worked.
What I'm mostly afraid of is the day that everything goes wrong. They day when I can't do anything right and I'm feeling worthless. On that day, I will come, once again, to the horrific realization that I can't pick up the phone and call my friend to buoy me up.
There. I did it. I'm afraid. That's it. I'm not depressed. I'm not throwing a pity party. I'm not going to die. I'm not alone. I'm just afraid and a little bit sad. Writing about it helps. I feel better now. So judge me.
Song of the day: "On Your Porch" by The Format
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5 comments:
I know it's not the same, but picture me dancing to this. Hope it made you smile. Love you.
Oh Meggie, I totally know your pain. I'm not as old as that girl at Costco thinks I am and I can still vividly remember feeling exactly the way you feel right now. Both with my best friend leaving on a mission and all the fears of upcoming graduation. But can I say something? And this is in no way to make you feel like you have to "live up to" what I'm saying... but I have looked at you the past couple years and thought, "why didn't I do it like HER?" Why did I have to be "madly in love" with some guy all the time? I couldn't NOT have a boyfriend... and I didn't let myself do things like LaCrosse, etc because they would get in the way of me spending every waking second with my at-the-time-boyfriend. Lame. Well I think you're already an awesome person who I already look up to as an adult. You'll do great in life. I know you're not asking for advice but as the mother-hen oldest sibling I have to give it unsolicited anyway. So my only piece to you is just to take a step back every once in a while... at college, in your work-life, with relationships, and ask yourself if you're happy and if what you do and who you're with makes you truly happy. If the answer is yes then you are on the right track.
Don't be afraid of college. I promise you it's EXACTLY like when you're in Jr. High and you're afraid of High School and then a week into your Sophomore year you're like, "what was I so freaked about, this is nothing!"
Moving out? That's different because I didn't do it until I got married. But it's not so bad either. Unless you get a crappy roomate, I hear. Or... just DON'T move out until you feel like it. (hahahah mom!!!)
Be afraid. Fear is healthy, just don't let it make you agoraphobic and you're good, k?
I love you so very much. You're a shiny star to me and I'm so blessed to have you as my sister. Really. Truly. Madly. Deeply.
Why do I feel like I have to voice my opinion too even though you don't wnat to be 'judged.' that's what everyone does. But let me tell you my judgement is very positive judgement. (our family is so strange we have to say something when someone says not to, it's too hard not to).
Moving out isn't hard, it's the leaving home that's a little rough. My advice is; don't be scared, family is never too far away (especially with a family as big as ours).
The first thing i thought of when i started reading your blog was that it sounds like me. I remember right before/during college i got that same feeling, only i was 300 miles away. It's weird to hear you sound like a grown-up because you've always been little meggie who's into princesses and the color pink. I forget that you've grown up since i whitewashed you in 4 feet of snow.
I think kenna put it perfectly... "I love you so very much. You're a shiny star to me and I'm so blessed to have you as my sister. Really. Truly. Madly. Deeply."
-Love you, Mel
Ya, what your mom and sisters said.
I can help you with one decision, though, you won't want to marry my Matthew because he is afraid of spiders too.
Thanks everyone. :) And yes, Mama, it did make me smile.
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