It's been a while. I know. Last week was very busy. Family events galore. Most of them in honor of these two people loving each other.

My brother, Chris, and his new wife, Ashley.

I got a niece out of that happy day. Ashley's two-year-old daughter, Destiny. She has our entire family wrapped around her finger. This was taken the Sunday before the wedding with her Pooh. Or PB as she calls him.

You are my sunshine.


Elle and Destiny.

And another recent picture.

Don't freak. I took it at a stoplight.

And tomorrow is my first day of college. People ask me if I'm nervous, or excited, or what? I tell them I don't know. I really try not to think about it. I try not to get eager for much of anything so as to not let myself down.

Like birthdays. My eighteenth is approaching quickly. I fear a let down. I smell disappointment.

I wish I were small again and let downs didn't exist. I could wear a cardboard tiara with my sunshiny hair resting on my shoulders and blow out a handful of candles on a cake with Winnie the Pooh characters on it. All would be lovely.

But since then, I have experienced. The memories from past years have made me cautious when it comes to the 30th. A memory of anticipation. Someone is planning a surprise. It's a happy one. And I'm surrrre to love it! And all my friends will be going to the pool and playing and sliding and splashing and laughing. And there will be a mermaid on my cake! And I will have my big fluffy beach towel to lay on. Oh, but that year it rained on my birthday. All day long. No outside for me.

And a few years later my bestest!friend!ever! went to California and bought my present there. She just knows I'll love it! -- Sorry, love. Not my style. Or size. Didn't wear it once. The friendship didn't last. But not because of my birthday.

And it's not that all my birthdays have been terrible. I've only learned my lesson, that's all. Don't think about it. Don't wonder. Don't daydream. Don't get your hopes up for something great. You'll only be let down.

Last year was a great one. But let's not talk about that. Those are memories that will only make me miss my friend more.

There have been many good ones along the way. Enough for me to still believe in good birthdays.

But part of me wants this year to be just like any other day. Because what if it rains on my pool party? What if a wonderful!surprise! turns out to be a lame jacket? What if I lose another friend? Because it's Doyle's birthday too. I don't want it forgotten. What if I'm continually misunderstood as I often feel I am?

The other part of me wants to do something like this or this. Because I can. And because it looks like freedom to me. Just so you all know, my mother just began holding her abdomen and rocking herself back and forth, wincing. Because just the thought of me jumping from high altitudes makes her want to stop whatever she's doing and race me to the nearest tattoo parlor to get something ridiculous permanently etched into my forehead because anything would be better than this. Also because she knows it's a safe offer and that I will always refuse a needle.

But, in all honesty, I'm not hard to please. I don't need something extravagant, or outrageous. I don't WANT it. I'm a very simply person. All I want is memories with the people I love. Smiles and laughter. Friendship and comfort. Hugs and small talk.

Songs of days that have passed.

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping I dreamt I held you in my arms." -I don't know her. But I like the way she sings this.

"They don't know what I've been through like you do." - I love the emotion in her voice.

"Why oh why can't I?" -- I saw one the other day. I wanted to chase it. Find where it touched the earth. The party pooper I was with made fun of me. No worries, I stopped hanging around that poser.

"Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable."
--Francis Bacon

I sit on the deck, listening to the cool, summer wind blow. I smell the atmosphere that the night has created for me. I look around. The lights of the valley tell me I'm one of the few who decided to stay home tonight. To the east I see a small hint of light, peering around the corner of the mountain to me. It grasps my attention. Captured.

Don't be shy, I silently tell the light. We're good friends by now, are we not? How many summer nights have we spent together over the years? Too many to count, I presume.

Do you remember the summer we went to Bryce Canyon? You were so big there. Many of our friends, the stars, came as well. I sat on a big rock and looked at you for some time. I asked myself so many questions that night. I didn't go inside the tent until the wind showed me the goosebumps that had made their home on my skin for who knows how long and my eyelids became so heavy that will power alone couldn't lift them.

That was the same summer I met my best friend. You were there. Do you remember the night you lit the park for us to play catch with our sticks? Later you hid behind a cloud so we could rest and swing on the playground and talk about our hopes and dreams.

What about the night we watched fireworks on the cool grass? Or when we climbed trees in the dark? Do you remember my favorite night from that summer?

"Dude, check the moon" the text would say when you were full and bright like you are tonight. Every time, I would drop whatever I was doing and run outside to see you. I still do. You are mesmerizing.

Is that summer the reason I'm so fascinated? Is it the friendship I formed that makes your fullness fill me with joy?

That soft, cool wind picks up, bringing me back to reality. I wrap my sweater around me as I finish my stroll down Memory Lane and turn onto Reality Road. As I pass Sesame Street, I'm tempted to bring Oscar something sweet to soften his grouchiness.

Do you remember when I wanted a pair of glasses but didn't buy them and regretted it? Let's just say that someone out there loves me. Because these were in a box with my name on them on my doorstep today. There is no way to know who it's from.

Not just the fake glasses but the sunglasses, too.

Yes, people, someone out there does love me. Someone who reads this blog and knows where I live. Someone who wants to make me feel special and loved. Yes, yes, I feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. All nerdy, and old school on the outside.

Mystery Giver, you made me so happy I actually smiled for the camera. What a concept!

Behind me? On the wall? It says, "I believe in fairies". I do, indeed! I also believe in the greatness of humanity. Oh, Mysterious One! You shouldn't have! But thank you very much anyways.

"Remind me not to go there, the weather affects my knee." - Song of the day.

My friend came home from college. For good. I'm so happy. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her again. She's my home girl. Friday we filled our tummys, had a sparkling conversation, and saw this. She hadn't seen it yet so of course we had to go. I loved it the second time too. We laughed so hard. And then when I saw her next, I stood and yelled, "Will ya look at what the tide brought in?" And then we giggled.

One of my dear friends came for a visit on Saturday. We (him, me, other friend) went to all night bowling. They turned the lights out and put on those funky ones that make everything glow. I'm a terrible bowler. But I did win two glow sticks during the little game by getting two strikes. It was the first time I've enjoyed bowling in a long time. We chatted and reminisced. Missed our best friend together. (It's been eight months, only sixteen left. Not that I'm counting or anything....) He misses him more than he shows. I can tell by the way he talks about him. I wonder if I use the same tone when his name is brought up. If my face has the same expression. I try not to show it if I'm sad.

I decided that bowling shoes are the bee's knees.

And today. Was just splendid. It was wonderful and uplifting. I was so thirsty for spirit and warmth. I'm filled to the brim.

Song of the day. - That sweater! Goodness.

I've been thinking a lot about a number of things lately. Basically, my life. What am I doing with it?

What kind of girl am I? What kind do I want to be? What kind of woman do I want to become?

What should I study in college? Should I do what is fun? What makes me drool? Or should I be more practical and choose something that will pay well and I can still enjoy?

Will I ever get to explore the world? How will it start? Study abroad? Volunteer? Heck, Peace Corp? I do desire to travel.

Where will I find my balance? I don't want any one thing to tie me down. I want to learn and grow. Love those around me and help them and learn from them. Improve myself to form who I want to be. Who DO I want to be?

I want to be charitable, kind, loving, caring, empathetic, joyful, helpful, adventurous, spontaneous, wise, teachable, athletic, encouraging, strong, lovely, creative, artistic, colorful, perceptive, observant, inspirational, ardent....

These characteristics remind me of someone. An Earth Angel. Most of everything I want to be more like her. She's simply wonderful. But it's much more complex than that. I wish I had gotten the chance to see her through my older, more insightful and ready eyes.

Having said that, I'm thrilled to have other inspirational women influencing my life. Like my moms and three sisters. My aunts and many cousins. Neighbors and friends. Grandma Lucy.

Too many to name. Too many to count.

I've been listening to some really (in my opinion) awesome music lately. I would like to share a few songs. In no particular order.

1. This band is for my mellow mood. When my universe is going crazy and I need a moment to just soak it all in. Their style, lyrics, voices make me feel like all will turn out alright. It all mushes together for me to tune to my core and focus on the things in nature and life that make me push up onto my toes to better use all of my senses. Good for singing along to as well. Haven't always been much of a folk fan. Who knew? My favorites:









2. This girl is awesome.





Reminds me a little of her voice.



By the way, where would one go about buying a CD of her music? I mean, does such a wonder exist? Also, the movie of her life is very intriguing. To say the least.

3. This one is such a great cover. I've always loved Norah. She makes me feel music on a new level.



4. I think I will always love this one.

5. I love her voice. If I were to ever pursue writing and performing, I think I would sound a little like this. I don't think I ever would actually try, but what do you think?







6. I feel like this sometimes. I think everyone does. I love the strings!



7. I haven't always loved Sheryl. But right now? I totally am. I think we have a lot in common, Sheryl and I. We like little kids, parks, and sunshine.



8. This one makes me dance.



9. Oh, yes. And this one.

10. And to finish it off, I'll leave you with this wonderful girl whose music I don't have yet.





I love that her piano is falling apart. And that she wrote on it. Love it.

I hope I didn't bore you too much.

Friend gave me the assignment to make this list, mine is very similar. I love it. Friend gave me another creative "assignment" and I drool just thinking about it. Will post when I get around to it.

1. Family-Sorry that you're stuck with me forever. Suckas!
2. Best Friends-Saved many a gloomy day
3. Summer-and everything that goes with it. Sunshine, rain, twinpops, swimming, sunglasses, and freedom
4. Books-ranging from Calvin and Hobbes (see:Best Friends), novels, poetry, inspirational biographies, scriptures, and even picture books
   
5. Movies and Movie Theaters-just good times
   
6. Quotes-always give me that extra UHMPH to get things done
   
7. Music-truly inspirational and can turn any day around
   
8. Lacrosse-"Not so much an obsession as a fascination. How true it rings." It's just fun.
   
9. Skittles, Red Vines, and Gummy Bears-The source of all superpowers and true happiness
   
10. Food-ALL of it.

The song of the day pretty much defines me. This version is superb as well.

"Little darling... It's alright."