A catch up

It's been a while. I know. Last week was very busy. Family events galore. Most of them in honor of these two people loving each other.

My brother, Chris, and his new wife, Ashley.

I got a niece out of that happy day. Ashley's two-year-old daughter, Destiny. She has our entire family wrapped around her finger. This was taken the Sunday before the wedding with her Pooh. Or PB as she calls him.

You are my sunshine.


Elle and Destiny.

And another recent picture.

Don't freak. I took it at a stoplight.

And tomorrow is my first day of college. People ask me if I'm nervous, or excited, or what? I tell them I don't know. I really try not to think about it. I try not to get eager for much of anything so as to not let myself down.

Like birthdays. My eighteenth is approaching quickly. I fear a let down. I smell disappointment.

I wish I were small again and let downs didn't exist. I could wear a cardboard tiara with my sunshiny hair resting on my shoulders and blow out a handful of candles on a cake with Winnie the Pooh characters on it. All would be lovely.

But since then, I have experienced. The memories from past years have made me cautious when it comes to the 30th. A memory of anticipation. Someone is planning a surprise. It's a happy one. And I'm surrrre to love it! And all my friends will be going to the pool and playing and sliding and splashing and laughing. And there will be a mermaid on my cake! And I will have my big fluffy beach towel to lay on. Oh, but that year it rained on my birthday. All day long. No outside for me.

And a few years later my bestest!friend!ever! went to California and bought my present there. She just knows I'll love it! -- Sorry, love. Not my style. Or size. Didn't wear it once. The friendship didn't last. But not because of my birthday.

And it's not that all my birthdays have been terrible. I've only learned my lesson, that's all. Don't think about it. Don't wonder. Don't daydream. Don't get your hopes up for something great. You'll only be let down.

Last year was a great one. But let's not talk about that. Those are memories that will only make me miss my friend more.

There have been many good ones along the way. Enough for me to still believe in good birthdays.

But part of me wants this year to be just like any other day. Because what if it rains on my pool party? What if a wonderful!surprise! turns out to be a lame jacket? What if I lose another friend? Because it's Doyle's birthday too. I don't want it forgotten. What if I'm continually misunderstood as I often feel I am?

The other part of me wants to do something like this or this. Because I can. And because it looks like freedom to me. Just so you all know, my mother just began holding her abdomen and rocking herself back and forth, wincing. Because just the thought of me jumping from high altitudes makes her want to stop whatever she's doing and race me to the nearest tattoo parlor to get something ridiculous permanently etched into my forehead because anything would be better than this. Also because she knows it's a safe offer and that I will always refuse a needle.

But, in all honesty, I'm not hard to please. I don't need something extravagant, or outrageous. I don't WANT it. I'm a very simply person. All I want is memories with the people I love. Smiles and laughter. Friendship and comfort. Hugs and small talk.

Songs of days that have passed.

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping I dreamt I held you in my arms." -I don't know her. But I like the way she sings this.

"They don't know what I've been through like you do." - I love the emotion in her voice.

"Why oh why can't I?" -- I saw one the other day. I wanted to chase it. Find where it touched the earth. The party pooper I was with made fun of me. No worries, I stopped hanging around that poser.

"Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable."
--Francis Bacon