I feel the want to post something here. Just don't know what to say. Maybe I'll throw some pictures in. Life is good. Wonderful and spectacular. Any questions? Anything you wish I would write about? I'm drawing a blank. Open for ideas.

I want to start the word of the day again. I miss that. And I want to start taking more pictures. So I'm going to post a picture at least every week. Whatever I feel like. Also, I hereby decree that every post from here on out will be a line from a song. Probably one that's stuck in my head or that I'm currently listening to. If I start slacking with any of these, I give you full permission to hassle me about my laziness.

Now I'm going to go eat some cheese.


P.S. His name is Kendall.
























What do you think?

I feel like the last post was way too pessimistic. That's not me at all. And it's not how I wanted it to sound. I'm very happy with my life and where I am right now. Sure, I'm very disappointed about my plans that didn't work out, but I'm enjoying every minute of life.

A while ago, one of my friends said something that stuck with me. I can't remember exactly what it was but the basic message was Life is hard and there are so many ups and downs. Enjoy every single moment. Some moments will be overwhelmingly joyful, cherish them. Other moments will be horribly depressing and heart-breaking. Cherish those moments too. It's all part of the ride. It's all part of life. Carpe Diem.

I try to live by that. I think the other night when I wrote that last post was a moment of sadness. I cherished it.

It's time now to follow a different dream. I realize that. My problem is figuring out what my other dreams are. I've been focused on two big ones (seeing the world and teaching kids) for so long, I've forgotten other dreams.

What are they?

There's music and lacrosse. Lacrosse is a dream I'm following. I'll be assistant coach of my high school team this spring. Music is a scary one for me. I put a lot of emotion into music. When I play a piece on the piano, I put my soul into it. Expressive. Performing is always so stressful. I'm putting myself out there for anyone listening to judge. Creating music along with performing what I created is very scary to me.

This is all just scrambled thoughts in my head. I guess now I get to figure out what my other dreams are. Things I want to do.

I want to master a foreign language and use it often. I want to learn how to longboard. I want to learn a new instrument. I want to learn about photography and take pictures that speak louder than words. I want to create something worthy of being called art. I want to go on a spur-of-the-moment adventure to a city I've never been to. I want to read more books and poetry. I want to learn what it's like to live away from home. I want to learn how to cook and bake bread. I want to learn a skill or ability that I enjoy and will enable me to have a career that will support financially.

The list goes on. A common theme to my wants is learn. Okay, so I want to learn. Now where do I start?

I think the word "heal" really means to do absolutely nothing and watch while everyone else follows their dreams.

Since I decided to stay home from China, I have been doing better than I expected. Pretty great actually. My family is so supportive and patient through all this. My friends are fantastic. And this guy who randomly popped into my life has done wonders for my mood. Haze all you want, he's becoming my best friend.

Today it hit me. I'm not going to China in February. I'm not going to school either. I'm just here. I work about twice a week. And the rest of the time I'm contemplating what I'm going to do with my life. And not just for the spring semester. What am I going to do with my LIFE? If I do decide to go back to school, what on earth am I going to study? Because school seems really pointless if I don't have a goal. An end result as motivation. A class that I actually enjoy.

I'm not only completely in the dark about my future; I'm pissed.

Because I was going to teach children in China. I can't express how badly I wanted to do that. I was going to teach them and fall in love with them. I was going to miss home, yes, but I was going to follow my dreams.

I was going to cry when I left to come back home because of all the wonderful discoveries, friends, and memories I had made. I was going to cherish my semester in China for the rest of my life. I was going to tell everyone about the people I met and the things I learned about the world and myself.

I was going to tell my children about it. And maybe I would have sparked a sense of adventure in them as well. And they would think, "Wow. I can't believe Mom really did all of that. She's so cool. I want to be like her someday. I want to travel the world too. I bet she'd even come with me if I asked her." Future children, I would. I so would! In a heartbeat, I would be on a plane with you wherever you wanted to go. You would lead the way and we would discover this beautiful world together. On your terms. In your own way.

I was going to go to China. I was going to submerge myself in a new everything. I was going to teach those kids. And play with them. Laugh with them. Sing songs with them. Learn from them.

I was going to stand on The Great Wall of China. I was going to stand there, stretch my arms out, close my eyes, and remember that moment when I was 9 and I learned about The Great Wall in school and I thought to myself, "I want to go there. I want to go there so badly." I was going to remember that moment when China felt so out of reach. That moment when I was small and the world was big and there was no way I could find a way to get there. Not in a million years. I would remember that moment and think, "The world is big. I am small. But I can do big things anyways."

I was going to check something off my life list.

I was going to be the girl who actually followed her dreams. The girl who didn't just talk about traveling the world and learning new things everyday, but actually did it.

I was going to do all those things and more. And now (pardon the pessimism) I'm living at home in Happy Valley with crushed dreams and nothing to do while watching all my friends go to school to follow their own dreams. Why? Because I'm healing. From mono and TMJ. Seriously? Mono and TMJ? That stopped me? It really ticks me off that this is what's stopping me from following my dreams. It hardly sounds like something that would stop someone who has dreams this big.

The funny part? Even after laying out all my unattainable dreams in the open, I don't regret dreaming big. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. Not even for a moment.

Ask me why. Go on, ask.

Because I still believe that dreams come true. I'm still going to follow mine. I believe that this setback, this challenge of great interest, is going to make living my dream that much sweeter. I believe there is a reason for everything. A reason for all of this.

I despise the facebook.