I went to the Draper Temple Open House yesterday.

We drove around it a few times to take some pictures.

What shade of blue would you say the sky was? My opinion: Glorious Blue. Coming soon to a Crayola box near you. (ha?)

Seriously, the weather lately has been splendid. As long as the sun is out, I'm happy.


I was so excited to see it. I can't even describe it. It was breathtakingly beautiful. If you're in the area, I suggest going to see it.


In certain rooms there are hand painted murals on the walls. They reminded me of Grandpa Ross. Made me think of some of his paintings I've seen. Which sent me into a whirlwind of thoughts and memories. I have a memory of going to church with Gpa Ross and Gma Lyn. (Maybe a cousin's mission farewell/homecoming? Not sure. It's fuzzy.) I remember sitting next to my wonderful grandparents. Grandpa had doodled on the program. Trees, mountains, rivers, bears, deer. I remember watching the way he held the pen and let it outline the figures. Easily guiding it to create beauty. I sat in awe at how quickly and gracefully he created a landscape. If you asked me who my favorite artist is, my answer would most likely be Ross Davis.



Thinking about him made me think of Lyn. (Well, that or the fact that I was wearing her shoes.) How much I miss her. All my memories of her are from my childhood and early teen years. I wish I could know her and see her through my new "big kid" lenses. But as I was walking through those rooms with handcrafted furniture and original artwork, I felt her smiling down on me. I felt her arms wrap me up into a tight, warm hug. That's special to me.

On the way back, we stopped at the store. And by "we" I mean me, the boy, and the china man.

Side note: the china man=one of the coolest persons I've ever met. We found cool sunglasses and decided to take pictures.

The end.

I read parts of my journal today. I like it. I don't have to think about anyting before I write it. It's just my brain on paper. It helps me take a thought and turn it into something concrete. Make words out of feelings.

I wrote this in January:

A lot is on my mind. Mostly right now I am grateful for... a lot of things.
The biggest of which at this point is that my parents taught me to
look at a person't character and not their outward appearance or race. I was at
institute tonight and we started talking about racism and judgement. Equality.
The teacher was stressing how important equality is. The idea that we should
not judge people before we know them. You can learn to love anyone. I sat
in class thinking, This is nothing new to me. I've known this my whole life. Why
is he teaching this like it's a new concept? It frustrates me to realize that
not everyone gets it. Not everyone gets that everyone should be treated with
equal amounts of respect.

I think I get shy when things really start to matter. Maybe I don't express
my opinion enough. I fear hurting or disappointing others. Speaking ill of
another without the intent of gossip or catty words. So I just keep my mouth
shut. Maybe I should still speak up more often. I'll make that a goal. Oh wait,
it already was.

I've got this wonderful guy in my life. He's delightful. Adorable. Treats
me so well. After such a short time, he already knows me pretty well. Not only
my likes/dislikes, my personality, but he knows how to cheer me up. The other
day I was feeling down. He noticed. He felt my pain. He plugged his iPod into
the car stereo, put on some upbeat music and danced and sang with me. I think it
was Kelly Clarkson.

I wanted to post this mostly for the first paragraph. It was so frustrating to me that the man teaching the class had to learn about equality as an adult with a slap in the face. Through experience. Had to break though his old habits of thinking, "He/She is black" and learn that IT DOESN'T MATTER. Had to learn that every person in this world is just that. A PERSON. It doesn't matter what they look like. It matters who they are and what they do with their life. I'm so glad I didn't have to learn that lesson by a slap in the face. It has been taught to me since before I can remember. Equality is as second nature to me as walking or singing. So, thanks. I hope I can do as great a job of teaching my own kids about equality.

Title song. "You're a miracle to me."

I feel like the last post was way too pessimistic. That's not me at all. And it's not how I wanted it to sound. I'm very happy with my life and where I am right now. Sure, I'm very disappointed about my plans that didn't work out, but I'm enjoying every minute of life.

A while ago, one of my friends said something that stuck with me. I can't remember exactly what it was but the basic message was Life is hard and there are so many ups and downs. Enjoy every single moment. Some moments will be overwhelmingly joyful, cherish them. Other moments will be horribly depressing and heart-breaking. Cherish those moments too. It's all part of the ride. It's all part of life. Carpe Diem.

I try to live by that. I think the other night when I wrote that last post was a moment of sadness. I cherished it.

It's time now to follow a different dream. I realize that. My problem is figuring out what my other dreams are. I've been focused on two big ones (seeing the world and teaching kids) for so long, I've forgotten other dreams.

What are they?

There's music and lacrosse. Lacrosse is a dream I'm following. I'll be assistant coach of my high school team this spring. Music is a scary one for me. I put a lot of emotion into music. When I play a piece on the piano, I put my soul into it. Expressive. Performing is always so stressful. I'm putting myself out there for anyone listening to judge. Creating music along with performing what I created is very scary to me.

This is all just scrambled thoughts in my head. I guess now I get to figure out what my other dreams are. Things I want to do.

I want to master a foreign language and use it often. I want to learn how to longboard. I want to learn a new instrument. I want to learn about photography and take pictures that speak louder than words. I want to create something worthy of being called art. I want to go on a spur-of-the-moment adventure to a city I've never been to. I want to read more books and poetry. I want to learn what it's like to live away from home. I want to learn how to cook and bake bread. I want to learn a skill or ability that I enjoy and will enable me to have a career that will support financially.

The list goes on. A common theme to my wants is learn. Okay, so I want to learn. Now where do I start?

There was a rebroadcast of the Opening Ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics 2008 on Saturday. I watched some of it and was reminded of the answer to the questions people would ask me frequently.

"Why China? Why teach?"

These questions would send me into a whirlwind of thought and reflection. I would be tempted to return those questions with some of my own.

Is it possible to watch those performances and not be inspired?

Is it possible to learn about the symbolism in a seemingly simple Chinese character and not find universal truths?

Is it possible to see the innocent and sincere smile on a child's face and not feel a little warmth in your heart as well?

Is it possible to learn of the history and culture of these people and not stand in awe?

I'm fascinated with the people, language, culture, place. I'm curious about it all. I want to learn more, more, more.

Now, I'm often asked whether I'll be going to China after I heal or if it's out completely. I realize that anything can happen between now and when I'm back to full health. I realize that at any given moment, something could change my mind. But for now, I still want to go. And I know that someday I will. That's enough for me right now.

A lot has happened within the past little while. I'll tell the story after I say this.

I've been thinking lately about the things I post on this blog and why I leave some parts of my life out. A part of me believes that there are certain things in life that are just too personal to share with other people and that those other people might not want to hear that part. I still believe that, but on the other hand I've come to the conclusion that whoever doesn't want to hear it, doesn't have to read. "It", in this context, is defined as everything that goes on in my life that I have something to say about, yet I leave it out of the blog. Main topics that fall under this category are my dating life and my spiritual and church life. So from now on, I Go There. If I feel like writing about those things (or anything else for that matter) I will. If I don't feel like it, I wont. The end. =)

So here is the story. I'm sick. Don't know what it is yet, therefore don't know how to fix it yet. Because of this, teaching in China is being postponed until we know what's going on and I get back on my feet. Making that decision is at the top of my list of hardest things I've ever had to do in my life this far. Right up there next to saying goodbye to Sam. (OH MY GOSH I SAID HIS NAME ON THE INTERNET. =) Hahaha!) Where was I? Oh yeah. China is postponed until future notice. Overall, I'm okay with that. (Although, I'm sure you'll hear me whining about this soon enough.)

School is on hold too. I withdrew from classes yesterday. So, for now, I'm omitting all stress from my life, and focusing on getting healthy. I'm keeping my part-time job. The plan is, as I get better I'll ease into life again. Whether it's China, college, massage therapy school, cello lessons, or Hogwarts. Seriously, the possibilities are endless. And I'm looking at ALL the possibilities. =)

I'm taking this time, not only to heal, but to also:

• enjoy the cherished company of my lovely family
• laugh hysterically with my crazy awesome friends
• learn what it is I was put in this world to do and figure out how to do it
• help out with the high school lacrosse team I started last year (Ran into Coach T today. And by "ran into" I mean that I went to the high school to see her. She doesn't have an assistant coach yet and wants me. I'm thinking, why not? If I'm feeling up to it, it will make me feel like less of a loser. I love lacrosse.)
  
• listen to the music note residing on my heart and do what it tells me to do
• the possibilities are endless... =) any ideas? (That means comment on this post, please.)

I wrote this last night, "Question for thought... Today I did some of the hardest things I've ever had to do, withdrawing from school and deciding to postpone China, so why is it that I'm happier right now than I have been in days? Weeks even?"

Could it be the stress relief? The empowering love and support I've received from family and friends? Actually making progress in some direction instead of just spinning wheels? Gratitude? Hope? I think it's a mixture of all.

Dear Family,

Thank you.

Love, Megan

During the past couple of weeks I have felt inspired. Inspired by music and events. I want to create something that will have the same effect on others as she or they (or most recently, they) have had on me. (And I thank Steve Vistaunet for introducing me to all via you.) I have this increased desire to write music. Small problem with that... I have no idea how. I suppose fooling around with chords on the piano and guitar will get me somewhere?

I'm afraid that if I do try to write something, it will just be a generic, inexpressive bore. One of those silly songs that teenage girls (myself included) sing in the car on the way to the mall to like, shop. I don't want to be cheese. I want to make something more than that. Something real. Don't know where to start.

I feel like there's something inside of me, trying to get out. There's a song or two deep in my fingers, waiting to escape. I can't describe this feeling. I picture it as a little music note that has appeared on the surface on my heart. I know it's there is because it whispers to me, "Write me, write me. Turn me into a melody. Play me. Sing me. I need to be heard."

Lyrics shouldn't be a problem for me. I have pages and pages of things I've written that could become lyrics. But they just don't fit. They aren't what the music note on my heart needs to become. So I ask, "What are your words, little music note? What are your sounds? What is your melody? What is your rhythm? What is your message?"

Thoughts? Suggestions? Words of encouragement? I have the want, but do I have the ability? The knowledge?

PS: I'm buying this. I need it.

So I'm a college student. Yep. I go to college. I learn. Lalala. Nothing too special about that.

Things I am happy about right now:

• Pretty sure I'm getting "a little kitty kiiitty". You basically just have to hear me say that.
• I'm enjoying school, and the knowledge I get from it. Like the other day, in my Interpersonal Communications class, we were learning about relationships. There are different kinds you see. Like, I-It (generally consist of strangers, maybe a server. Someone you don't treat like an individual, they are just there), I-You (most of your friends/acquaintances. You recognize them as an individual), and I-Thou (basically your family and best friends, you know their hopes and dreams and they know yours). I had a job interview. The guy treated me like an "It". Well, I didn't appreciate that. So I don't care if they give me the job.
• I'm making many new friends. People from school. People from church. People I like. People who like me. Friends.
• I filled out a Passport Application. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going. Or when. That's why I'm getting a passport now. How about we put a vote on it? When you get the chance go here, here, and here. Pick your favorite and tell me why. And please! Comments mean a lot to me and so does your opinion! Also, if you know of any other programs along these lines, I'm interested!
  
• Took my first test today, I really think I did well. I'll let ya know.
• I have two job interviews this week/next week. Woo!
• I put bed risers on my bed. I feel like a princess.
  

Things I am unhappy about:

• Some friends seem to be disappearing out of my life. Some seem to be popping in every once in a while. Teasing me. They love me, they love me not. Please make up your minds. It's hard not knowing if you'll be around or not.
• I don't get to read as much as I want. I mean novels. Those beautiful stories I hunger for. Last night I was talking to some friends about books and movies. Before this conversation, I considered myself relatively well-read. Ooh-ho-hoh no. I was sadly mistaken. It made me desperately want to sit and read for days. Not so I could catch up to them in their knowledgeable ways. They talked so highly of classics like Moby Dick and Crime and Punishment. Jane Eyre and Persuasion. All books I've wanted to read but just haven't had the time.
• I saw a really big scary spider in my room yesterday. No really. This one was really bad. Like, huge. I'm not exaggerating this time. Ew. I'm unhappy about this because I think he was in the mafia. So he probably has friends. Who are his size. ACK!
  

Things I've been thinking about:

• I have this one friend who seems to read me like a book. I don't even know him that well. Maybe he's just really that perceptive, or maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve but he knows when I'm not myself. Also, every time I talk to him, he says something that is a huge answer to a question bobbing around in my soul. On any other day, if he said what he did, it would be nothing special. Wouldn't think twice about it. But the other day a simple, "You are awesome, thanks for being yourself" was a big deal to me.
• I'm friends with these two people (the ones I was talking books with as I mentioned earlier). They are brother and sister. They have an awesome relationship. I can't really put my finger on what makes their relationship so interesting to me. They're best friends. The word patience comes to mind. It makes me wonder what their childhood was like together. What drew these two siblings together instead of others in their family? Or is their entire this close with each other?
• There's nothing wrong with being yourself. Even if it makes other people unhappy. Especially if it makes other people unhappy. I learned this again. I won't change who I am because someone doesn't like it. What I like, or what I don't. What I do or don't do. What I believe in. And I believe in a lot of things. Possibly a whole post's worth.
• Also, I think it's very fashionable to wear your heart on your sleeve. Maybe you get hurt more but you learn, grow, and become a lot more too.

The end.

Song of the day.
Favorite moments:
"Are your friends really your friends?
Are you still waiting for the end of the day?
Hey, hey, when will you learn to love what's sent from up above?
...
But it's a facade like the sky, like the moon, like your eyes
...
Oh, I wish I had someone.
Who would want you as you are?
What can you give they couldn't get from someone else?
What life of ease, what wedding bells, what pretty stones, what precious wealth?
...
It's called a come on, come on, come on baby
Does your heart echo like a hall
'Cause there's no one there at all"

It's been a while. I know. Last week was very busy. Family events galore. Most of them in honor of these two people loving each other.

My brother, Chris, and his new wife, Ashley.

I got a niece out of that happy day. Ashley's two-year-old daughter, Destiny. She has our entire family wrapped around her finger. This was taken the Sunday before the wedding with her Pooh. Or PB as she calls him.

You are my sunshine.


Elle and Destiny.

And another recent picture.

Don't freak. I took it at a stoplight.

And tomorrow is my first day of college. People ask me if I'm nervous, or excited, or what? I tell them I don't know. I really try not to think about it. I try not to get eager for much of anything so as to not let myself down.

Like birthdays. My eighteenth is approaching quickly. I fear a let down. I smell disappointment.

I wish I were small again and let downs didn't exist. I could wear a cardboard tiara with my sunshiny hair resting on my shoulders and blow out a handful of candles on a cake with Winnie the Pooh characters on it. All would be lovely.

But since then, I have experienced. The memories from past years have made me cautious when it comes to the 30th. A memory of anticipation. Someone is planning a surprise. It's a happy one. And I'm surrrre to love it! And all my friends will be going to the pool and playing and sliding and splashing and laughing. And there will be a mermaid on my cake! And I will have my big fluffy beach towel to lay on. Oh, but that year it rained on my birthday. All day long. No outside for me.

And a few years later my bestest!friend!ever! went to California and bought my present there. She just knows I'll love it! -- Sorry, love. Not my style. Or size. Didn't wear it once. The friendship didn't last. But not because of my birthday.

And it's not that all my birthdays have been terrible. I've only learned my lesson, that's all. Don't think about it. Don't wonder. Don't daydream. Don't get your hopes up for something great. You'll only be let down.

Last year was a great one. But let's not talk about that. Those are memories that will only make me miss my friend more.

There have been many good ones along the way. Enough for me to still believe in good birthdays.

But part of me wants this year to be just like any other day. Because what if it rains on my pool party? What if a wonderful!surprise! turns out to be a lame jacket? What if I lose another friend? Because it's Doyle's birthday too. I don't want it forgotten. What if I'm continually misunderstood as I often feel I am?

The other part of me wants to do something like this or this. Because I can. And because it looks like freedom to me. Just so you all know, my mother just began holding her abdomen and rocking herself back and forth, wincing. Because just the thought of me jumping from high altitudes makes her want to stop whatever she's doing and race me to the nearest tattoo parlor to get something ridiculous permanently etched into my forehead because anything would be better than this. Also because she knows it's a safe offer and that I will always refuse a needle.

But, in all honesty, I'm not hard to please. I don't need something extravagant, or outrageous. I don't WANT it. I'm a very simply person. All I want is memories with the people I love. Smiles and laughter. Friendship and comfort. Hugs and small talk.

Songs of days that have passed.

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping I dreamt I held you in my arms." -I don't know her. But I like the way she sings this.

"They don't know what I've been through like you do." - I love the emotion in her voice.

"Why oh why can't I?" -- I saw one the other day. I wanted to chase it. Find where it touched the earth. The party pooper I was with made fun of me. No worries, I stopped hanging around that poser.

"Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable."
--Francis Bacon

I sit on the deck, listening to the cool, summer wind blow. I smell the atmosphere that the night has created for me. I look around. The lights of the valley tell me I'm one of the few who decided to stay home tonight. To the east I see a small hint of light, peering around the corner of the mountain to me. It grasps my attention. Captured.

Don't be shy, I silently tell the light. We're good friends by now, are we not? How many summer nights have we spent together over the years? Too many to count, I presume.

Do you remember the summer we went to Bryce Canyon? You were so big there. Many of our friends, the stars, came as well. I sat on a big rock and looked at you for some time. I asked myself so many questions that night. I didn't go inside the tent until the wind showed me the goosebumps that had made their home on my skin for who knows how long and my eyelids became so heavy that will power alone couldn't lift them.

That was the same summer I met my best friend. You were there. Do you remember the night you lit the park for us to play catch with our sticks? Later you hid behind a cloud so we could rest and swing on the playground and talk about our hopes and dreams.

What about the night we watched fireworks on the cool grass? Or when we climbed trees in the dark? Do you remember my favorite night from that summer?

"Dude, check the moon" the text would say when you were full and bright like you are tonight. Every time, I would drop whatever I was doing and run outside to see you. I still do. You are mesmerizing.

Is that summer the reason I'm so fascinated? Is it the friendship I formed that makes your fullness fill me with joy?

That soft, cool wind picks up, bringing me back to reality. I wrap my sweater around me as I finish my stroll down Memory Lane and turn onto Reality Road. As I pass Sesame Street, I'm tempted to bring Oscar something sweet to soften his grouchiness.

I've been thinking a lot about a number of things lately. Basically, my life. What am I doing with it?

What kind of girl am I? What kind do I want to be? What kind of woman do I want to become?

What should I study in college? Should I do what is fun? What makes me drool? Or should I be more practical and choose something that will pay well and I can still enjoy?

Will I ever get to explore the world? How will it start? Study abroad? Volunteer? Heck, Peace Corp? I do desire to travel.

Where will I find my balance? I don't want any one thing to tie me down. I want to learn and grow. Love those around me and help them and learn from them. Improve myself to form who I want to be. Who DO I want to be?

I want to be charitable, kind, loving, caring, empathetic, joyful, helpful, adventurous, spontaneous, wise, teachable, athletic, encouraging, strong, lovely, creative, artistic, colorful, perceptive, observant, inspirational, ardent....

These characteristics remind me of someone. An Earth Angel. Most of everything I want to be more like her. She's simply wonderful. But it's much more complex than that. I wish I had gotten the chance to see her through my older, more insightful and ready eyes.

Having said that, I'm thrilled to have other inspirational women influencing my life. Like my moms and three sisters. My aunts and many cousins. Neighbors and friends. Grandma Lucy.

Too many to name. Too many to count.

I went to MAMMA MIA! with my Mamma Mia. I couldn't really stop laughing. And I didn't want to. It was that good. Of course, it doesn't take much to entertain me. I mean, I'm the girl who can tell her favorite joke repeatedly and still think it's the funniest thing ever. What's my favorite joke? I'll tell you.

Me: Okay, okay. Ask me if I'm an orange.
You: Are you an orange?
Me: (Fit of ab working laughter, ferocious shake of the head) No!

Can I live in Greece? I fell in love. The way the sun shined off the water. The aged hotel. Everything was so white. Mixed with blue. Art. Simply Beautiful.

I decided this song will forever be able to put me in a good mood when I'm feeling down. And this one. Oh, boy.

My favorite part about the movie? It started a conversation about music, family, and life lessons that made my heart smile.

Other things I did today:

• Went to a volunteer meeting for this.
• Bought a shirt and a swimsuit.
• Gave my spleen to food poisoning. On a date. The most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. And I'm not easily embarrassed.

Song of the day.

Thoughts. Why? Why does one person think this way and another the opposite? Why does one person act this way and the other the opposite?

I am intrigued by others' minds. And lately mine as well.

Sometimes I forget to think. I slip back into old habits of just existing and speaking and doing and breathing. I forget to think about it. I forget to think about the people around me and paying attention to their facial expressions, and body language and tone. I forget empathy. I forget service and selflessness and fall back on my childish routines of selfish acts.

But then sometimes I do remember. And I think about every little thing before I do it. And then I look at the results of my actions and I learn and grow from it.

Curious question that has been dancing around my head for some time. On a daily basis, are your thoughts words? Are they sentences that tie together as if you are having a conversation with yourself? Or are they perhaps pictures and smells and memories? Or do your thoughts even have a form? Do they float around in your head like spirits: unseen, unheard, yet their presence is still felt. Somehow. Do they brace up against your cheek, light as a feather, until you find the words to voice them? Do your opinions and beliefs surprise you when you finally put them into words to speak to someone. Do you find yourself thinking, "I didn't realize I actually felt that way. I just said it. It must be true on some subconscious level."

On an unrelated topic, I'm beginning to believe that there is no such thing as chance. I believed this on some level before, but now this belief is stronger. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. I think we question things about life, the world, ourselves, and life has a way of bringing the answers to us in unexpected ways. But it's not just life that gives us answers. It's something much larger and more powerful than life.

• listened to this song (hello, hello. HOLA!)
• looked at pictures
• wished I could fly-for numerous reasons
  
• learned more about this fantastic inspiration
  
• went to Juice Press
• received a "special assignment"
  
• went on a mobile stakeout for sprinklers
• ran through them
  
• giggled with friends
  
• updated my iPod
• giggled some more
• took pictures
• ate two string cheeses... let's make that three
  
• pondered about summer, the love I have for all my friends (including you, yes, you), and music
• wondered what my 20-year-old face will look like
• 30-year-old?
• 40?
• washed it

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." ~William Wordsworth

I think it's TOTALLY AWESOME that his last name is WORDSworth, don't you?

Song of the day. Lyrics.

I love you. I was sitting and just thinking today and I felt the need to let you know how much. A few weeks ago, I tried to put into words how lucky I feel to have MY family. I also wrote, a while before, that we see ourselves differently than other people see us. Well, this is how I see you, Family, whether you care to read this or not.

Mom, you are such a support to me. I love how no matter what, you are behind me, backing me up 100%. I love our conversations. They range from silly things that make us giggle for days to deep, thought-provoking insights and and life principles. Always uplifting. You are so strong in my eyes. A hero. You're my Buffy.

Dad, sometimes you get this look on your face and the only way I know how to describe it is complete joy. I love it. Your face just lights up. Smiles come so naturally for you. I love how we both get a kick out of the little things in life. I love that I inherited your passion for music along with many other things.

Mom (2), I love that I almost refuse to call you my stepmom. (In fact, the only time I use the word "step" is when I have to explain to people the intricate details of who's technically related to who in my family.) I love how we both seem to enjoy the sun more than most things on this planet. I aspire to have your ability to "throw something together" and have it taste as splendidly as Thanksgiving dinner.

Jim, I love your silly sense of humor. Sometimes, Mom and I pretend it gets on our nerves but we secretly love it. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You work harder than anyone I know. I don't say thank you enough. Thank you. Oh, and thanks again for killing that spider that tried to eat me the other day. It was looking pretty grim before you showed up.

Kenna, I think you know this already, but I look up to you in so many ways. To name a few: your ability to make something beautiful out of a blank Photoshop document, your pictures, your coolness factor in the Mommy department, your sense of humor, your way with words. I love that we're friends.

Steve, I truly enjoy being your little sister that you never really got. I love how excited you get about a game, or a treat, or a movie, or just anything fun. I love how you love my sister.

Carter, I love how easily you laugh. I love how you've always had a gut-busting laugh. I love how you say RAWR. I love how proud you are of yourself for being able to walk now. I'm just as proud. I'm so excited for jumbled noises turn into words and full sentences.

Chris, I love how thoughtful you are. You're just so sweet. I'm so excited for the new additions to our family that we get through you. So so excited.

Austin, I love your little sayings. They usually don't make much sense but I love them. I love how when I hug you, my head fits perfectly just under your shoulder. I love when you pick me up and everything on the ground is so far away that it makes my tummy hurt but then you just make me laugh. And then I don't want to go down, even though it makes me nervous to be so high. I miss you, Austie B.

Mel, I love your bluntness. If something is on your mind, you'll pretty much just say it. I miss when we would go on random crazy adventures, like changing the words on a sign, or doing jumping jacks in our closet. I even miss when you would throw beef jerky at me because I wouldn't turn out the light. But I love you now even more. I love how awesome you are as a Mother. I look up to you and Ken a lot in that department. It makes me excited to have kids of my own someday. I love how we can still talk about whatever all the time.

Rayder, I love getting to watch you every week. We have so much fun. I love when you see food, you realize how hungry you are and reach out your chubby fists to grab the spoon. I love that your favorite toy is a plastic hanger. I love your smile.

Elle, I love how we both think the really silly things are the funniest. And how we can laugh about the same thing over and over again. I love that you look to me for help when you need it. Remember I'm always here for you; I'll always try my best to be a good big sister. You are so talented!

To Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents (whether you read this or not), I love you. I look up to you all. I see your strength, compassion, patience, understanding, love, humility, service, and sense of adventure and I look up to you too.

Family, You are shiny stars to me. I aspire to be more like you. I learn more about myself everyday. I'm at a stage in my life when I need to figure out who I am and who I want to become. As I look at you, Family, I want to take all the things I love about each of you and become all those things. I'm so lucky I got you. I'm. So. Lucky. No one could fill the void if any one of you weren't here in my life.

Sorry for filling this blog with so much cheese. I just want you all to know how much I love and appreciate you.

I think I've been avoiding my blog lately. This week kind of went crazy on me.

A boy who went to my high school took his own life on Wednesday. Heartbreaking. I didn't know him very well. But I did know him. I can't help but wonder the "What ifs". What if I could have done something to help him? But I wouldn't have known to reach out to him because he seemed like one of the happiest kids I knew. He was the one bringing comic relief to the crowd. Always had a smile on his face. I stole his ring pop at a football game. He chased me down and stole it back. We then proceeded to cheer our classmates to a victory.

Things like this make me think. Carpe Diem, right? He died at 17. It makes me think how fragile life is. I'll remember him.

On a brighter note, I got two awesome books this week. One of them will be a coffee table book when I move out. Just call me a hippie. Because I am. "All you need is love." It's very awesome. It's... gooeyooeyastic! (I make up words sometimes. Deal with it.) The other, well, lets just say I think this guy is becoming one of my idols.

I'm thinking that the guys who sang to me on my run this morning are calming. Knocked some sense and reason into me. It just gave me a good start for the day. I'm looking up. Still slightly melancholy, pondering. But good.


Song of the day. --Awesome, right? It fits me today.

In this constantly changing world, there are things that I will always love:

• Reading something that is so well written, it alters the feeling of my entire day
• Laying in the grass
  
• Ice cream and chocolate
  
• Listening to family members reminisce
• My legs finding the cold spot on the bed
  
• Music
  
• Making somebody smile before they can try to stop it
  
• The way the world feels on summer nights
• The smell and feeling of rain
• Salty food that makes me go "mmm", urgently needing more
  
• Stretching
• The sound of a grand piano (or the feeling of making the sound)
• Acoustic guitars
• Singing
  
• Friends trusting my advice enough to come back for more
• How easy it is to laugh when surrounded by loved ones
• Loved ones

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I guess there's just a lot going on. With graduation coming up, I've been thinking a lot about the future. First off, it's crazy to think that I'll be graduating in less than a month. I feel like it wasn't so long ago when I was in junior high going through the same things little sister is now. No matter how excited I say I am for graduation, I'm just as scared. Right now, it's not in a bad way. Hard to explain.

I've been thinking a lot about this place lately. And I know it's expensive. And I know it's far away. And I know I'm probably getting in way over my head when I say I want to go there. I know all these things. But I can't help it. The second I laid eyes on the brochure 2 years ago, I fell in love. And ever since then, it's been bouncing around my head and because I've always thought it was so out of reach, I pushed it away. Recently it's been brought up for reconsideration and it's all I can think about. The mere idea of this school gets better and better every day to me. I can't help but wonder what it would be like, who I will meet, what I will learn, and all the many adventures I will go on.

My wondering mind seems to get the best of me sometimes. I can't afford not to know. I'm a very curious person. Yes, I am a home body. I'd rather stay home, or close to, on the weekends. I never was much of a party-goer. Having said that, there's this whole other side of me. I'm not quiet, I'm a listener. I'm not shy, I'm an observer. I'm not timid, I'm... curious. I want to embark on a great adventure, as cheesy as it sounds. I really do. It's just something I want. Explore.

No matter how afraid I am of graduating, moving away from home, making these huge decisions; I'm ready. I was serious when I said this and I'm serious now. If I'm going to do something with my life, make it an adventure, why not start now? In fact, if I don't start now, I don't think I ever will.

And if I don't make it to this school, at least I can say I tried my best and I won't have to wonder what could have been.

Song of the day.

Words a friend lives by:

"Good is the enemy of best. And the thing that most do not realize is that it is not much harder to achieve the second than the first. Rather, it is a question of which you expect yourself and of your ability to see adversity not as a roadblock but as a challenge of great interest. Desire is the whole point, and what your mind sees when it looks through the sights of your goals is where your effort will strike. Be your best."

Here I go, being my best. I will achieve my goals. I will not let opportunities pass by and live my life wondering what? who? where? when? how? I will know, learn, experience, work, sacrifice, reach, achieve, and become. All these things I will do and more. But I will not wonder about a risk I didn't take.

I will become my best. Will you?

This weekend and today...

1. Saturday and Sunday my mind was filled with important words. I don't know which ones to study more closely and attempt to live by first. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe will have to suffice.

2. You. Are. Brilliant. -- A friend of mine said those words to me the other day. Not because I needed a boost or a pep talk. And not because I was fishing for compliments either. It really stuck with me. Our conversation started playful as we called each other geniuses and nerds and then Friend said you don't believe me? I, being the silly girl that I am, thought we were still teasing and kept my sarcastic tone. And then I received that flattering compliment. What Friend had to say about me next, surprised me. Friend said that I knew the answers to life's questions. I found myself laughing because come on! Me? Not likely. Thoughtful? Sure. Smart? Fine. Brilliant? That's just not me.

Or is it?

It made me think... is the girl I know as Megan the same as the one others know as Megan? Do I see myself the same way others see me? I feel like I'm not wording this right. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't think I'm awesome. I'm fabulous, people! But I see myself from a certain perspective, one that only I can see. Others see me from another perspective that I can't see. I think we often look up to other people's examples and try to be more like them. Maybe, what we don't realize is that they are looking up to our examples, trying to be more like us. Well, if I had realized that before, maybe I wouldn't have done this, or that. Shrug. No regrets. Only lessons learned.

3. Yoga is soooo much awesome!

4. Rainy days are for Jack Johnson. I heard the pitter patter on my window this morning and it was the only thing that got me out of bed. I love rain. So much more than snow. I looked out my window and saw... hail? What? Hm.... Whatev. It works. My feet were wet all day. For some reason I didn't mind.

5. Did you know there's a reason they call it "snail mail"? Why didn't you tell me? No worries, I now know.

6. I'm only 29 pages into The Bridge At Andau and can I just say that IT TOTALLY ROCKS!

7. Wanna know a secret? Me too. But SOMEONE won't tell me. Cough. Laney. Ahem.

Song of the day. "Wait. They don't love you like I love you." It's bobbing around my head.

I sometimes feel like my colors have faded. Like a black and white picture. Is it fatigue? Not likely. I feel gray. I feel lethargic. Somehow every song is too upbeat and all I want to do is hide. Not always, of course. It's like this slug comes around every once in a while to darken my existence and for a few days I get in this mood of solitude. It's possible that it's when my best writing comes out.

It amazes me how lonely I can feel when there is so much life and excitement around me. I can be surrounded by people who love and care about me but for some reason I don't want to accept it. I push people away. People I love. I'm sorry. I ask myself why I'm so irritable, so pessimistic, so stubborn. I think I figured it out today. These reasons are ridiculous but they make so much sense to me. They make the future hopeful.

Life is short. I can't spend it that way. Seize it. Taste. Learn. Experience. Another reason I want to travel. Maybe the color will return in a different form. Or maybe I have to wait for it to come back. Maybe this is something I have to endure. Maybe this feeling won't fully go away until a far off date.

I'm embarrassed that I feel this way. So much that I don't know if I'll click post. We'll see how I feel when I finish my thought.

I don't think this feeling is all that bad. There is a reason for every emotion. Although I'm not 100% sure what the reason behind this one is, I'll accept it. Embrace it even. Maybe something worthwhile will come of it. Then again, maybe not.

Song of the day.